Click for video clip:   Robin Williams Explains How Golf Was Created

Warning:  contains swearing, discretion advised

A lady and some of her friends were out golfing at the local Country Club. While out on the course a Bee lands on her and stings her. After finishing their round of golf the lady goes to the Popshop and tells them about the Bee. The golf Pro asks her where she was bit, and she says it was between the 1st.and 2nd.hole.
The Pro chuckles "Well I know what your problem is... your stance is to wide."

There are these two guy's driving down the highway and get struck by lighting, When at the pearly gates GOD comes out and says to the two guys "I'm so sorry I made a mistake it was supposed to be the car in front of you". But don't worry you can still go back but not as the same person, So I will give you five min and you decide what you want to go back as. 

The two guy's debated for a few min when GOD came back and said WELL have you made your decision yet? The two guy's said yes we want to go back as lesbians. GOD looked shock and said WHY. Well the one guy said "YOU GET ALL THE GIRLS YOU WANT AND YOU GET TO SHOOT FROM THE RED TEE'S". 

Here is a book to read......The chapters are summarized below.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 18 - Why Golfers Pay $8.00 A Beer From The Cart Girl, And Would Pay More
Chapter 19 - When to Call Your Slice A "High Fade Shot"
Chapter 20 - The Art of Making a Whiff Look Like a Practice Swing

Posted at a Local Golf Course:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off

The Game Of Golf 

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." 

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." 

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." 

4. Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." 

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." 

6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." 

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." 

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." 

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five." 

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players : "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." 

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." 

12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." 

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." 

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron." 

15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." 

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." 

17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." 

18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." 

19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." 

20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." 

21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." 

22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." 

23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." 

24. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3-iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie. 

18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. 2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!